Beyond Pain.....

Sometimes we just want to cry out loud… but we can’t as we are surrounded by people who “may think we are weak”… and some other times our tears too leave our eyes alone... dry and empty and sad… dying to say something but awaiting for an ounce of understanding from even a stranger… tired of pretending and deceiving…
We all are grown enough to think for our self… at least we think so… we just need people in our life to listen to us without judging… without opining… without hating us for what we did but still loving us and helping us to understand what we “actually did”… someone who “understands us”… a “friend”… someone who will read our eyes when we are trying to show that we are all right, confident and strong but we are so hurt inside…
Desires are there in every one of us… for some it’s when we want to be better than our companion at work & career or friend circle or beauty or talent or bikes or popularity or girlfriend/boyfriend or anything… some other times we want the person we deeply love to look at us and attend us and love us at least a little if not as much as we do … some other times we want our parents and elders who we really respect and adore to understand us.. to permit us to do our will ... to appreciate what we are good at… and so many things…
Why every time we feel so small… even if we have achieved many good things in life… why every time we want to be and have “more than them”. Why jealous? Why fake? Why lying? Why cheating? Why so dissatisfied? Why now we don’t have a single spare minute each day to thank God for what He made us and gave us? Why we can’t understand how better we are than so many other people who live only cuz they “can’t afford to die” (may be cause no money or too many responsibilities).
Life can be so much better and pleasant if we stop “expecting”… and just do our “karma” with dedication…
But that sounds so “unreal” and “impossible”…
It surely is not… though too close to being called so…
We can’t stop lying & faking as that is the demand of our society. No one will accept an “Honest Loser” na! But we can at least make sure we love honestly… and lie harmlessly… and pretend without losing the knowledge of who we actually are and being proud of it…
May be just like sometimes we need someone …
To smile and hug us…
To wipe our tears…
To tap our back on our success…
To party around with us…
We can also do it for someone…

I am LUCKY that i have such good friends :)

We , The People.....

Terror struck, helpless and sailing through an endless existential crisis, is the very identity of every single Indian today… In a space of just 10 minutes, something from somewhere, like a big bang, without any warning signal, can cause mayhem to your otherwise smooth life and you have no choice but to let it happen to you once, twice, thrice…you lose count of how many times…

In spite of having crucial evidence at hand as early as February, western intelligence warning, a threat assessment of the same organization following same methods each time, on same dates, not even a single warning was issued, not even disaster management was geared up for…Intelligence failure they call it, making us the sitting ducks, only a few days after our PM dared to declare publicly that he’s no duck...

It has become a repeat telecast drama for terror organizations it seems…They enjoy watching it with a different twist each time…

Just "Yet again" as headline in bold is sufficient for a national newspaper to report to the whole world, (including those watching fashion shows), what exactly happened…Mumbai has become verified blast capital of India…over time and losses…

 It’s as good as anarchy and we are as good as insects…we elect a few among us to govern and to qualify to become parasites, to live on hospitality of ours and to suck the very soul of national pride…let alone the patriotic chauvinism, but even the trivial sense of security…

Get-Goings....

 

 

 

 

I don’t mean the title literally…I’m extremely pissed off and sad and drowned deep into emotions/nostalgia… It’s only my “be-positive” dreamy self who has typed in those words…

They say you do not have your control on anything…Its all written…They also say Life Goes On…Move On...and that Reflections have no significance, they’re just shadows...
But I really doubt whether people who say such things actually ever confronted such situations as farewell, did they ever stored something as sweet as moments in their programmed memory chips… do they even realize that there are some people who make your so-called-pre-written fate and tough times easy going for you, who make you cherish the innocent laughter followed by those stupid jokes cracked on unbearable sarcasms of your life, who don’t even care to take your opinion on their oh-so-honest!!! attempts to make you smile even if it results in pissing you off even more…Do they know that after your life goes on without them and you move on, those reflections can haunt you and those shadows can cast darkness when you’ll start running towards mirage of success and achievements all alone…

I give a second thought to all the nonsense I’ve written above and feel extremely stupid and CHILDISH… Of course you need to move on…You can have a fun-filled adventurous journey only when you know more roads and meet more people and that’s only when you explore more…That’s what everyone should do…That’s what I do…

Rock Ahead Guys!!! 

and don't think so much :P

Smiles :) 

P.S: All that “They-say” is what I always counsel people who fall sick to nostalgia….eyuk!!!...But all that “I-really-doubt” is what I’m feeling somehow, since last two days…

Best days of life.... :)

This one's for all of them who will never go back to school again . . .

Sitting in my room and staring at the picture of my school group photo at the wall in front of me , I was actually looking at the wonderful collection of memories of those years. Those ordinary moments that I had spent in those 12 years...the moments which now seem so special ! Clg days were special but school days have always been more special to me than clg days.

The years spent in my school were clearly the most treasured ones. All those years we had been wanting to grow up and now that we finally have, we wish if we were small toddlers going to that school again....Each and every smallest function or event is vividly embedded in my memory.

Those jokes... regardless of how silly they were which I know now, seemed so funny at that time. Those little arguments with friends....now seem so sweet. Every punishment is now bearable and every scolding now rings like a song ! I know some of my classmates, who even weeks after passing out of school, would just wait and wander around the school or simply
stand and look at the school building. I do that too when I go back to my city where I lived , where I studied . We still ask each other of the simplest of excuses to go back there again.

I miss my teachers who tortured a lot :P....the juniors and even the classrooms where we once had the most enjoyable times. I miss the morning assembly and that 2pm bell which announced our 'freedom' from school....only now, I would exchange that freedom for anything, to be back in that same classroom :(

I miss those fun-filled recess times and those painful exams. I miss those last night studies and those after-exam "aaah's" and "oh no's". I miss those competitions in the school where each had to outdo his or her best friend. I miss those Sports days and those Annual days. I  miss so much of that everything which was my life for those 12 years, which I had to let go in so short a time.

Those 12 years seem so short now like a dream that just blinked out! I can see myself and my friends making every attempt to keep some share of those priceless memories and we still do that on Facebook or Orkut. I remember a friend of mine uploading a school picture on Facebook some months back and almost whole of our class was commenting on that picture.

That was sweet. One picture brought the whole class together :)

Memories....Scrapbooks....Diaries....Photographs and what not !

And the farewell ceremony....Oh how tearful it was ! And then someone had said,"Hey, do you realise that this is the last function of our school life ?" Everybody turned to him...glaring, as if to say, "Yeah, we knew that! But thanks for reminding that piercing truth. Huh! :X"

Why can't life be like my DVD player? You can just 'rewind' from here !"

For me, those years are priceless. I can just not forget those days.
In the words of Bryan Adams, "Those were the best days of my life . . . "

And although I wish that all our lives are happy and enjoyable . One thing is for sure : Life was never the same again . Life will never be that good again . Never !

Miss those days so much :(

But cherish those years, those memories :)

Till Death do us apart...

 I have never been in any relationship whatsoever, or to put it in a better way, no girl has found me good enough to be in a relationship, however, their are a few things in life which are better enjoyed from a ring side view. It may be a  fight between two people, a wrestling match or a guy proposing a girl. Yes you heard me right, it is always enthralling to watch a guy propose a girl with "true love", big promises and the heart breaks that follow when the promises are not met or when the people don't want the promises to be met. I have come across some of the cases during my not so long lifetime of 22 years. So lets chronicle them.

Case-I:

Day of Proposal-
"I Love You", the boy says, slowly steadily yet nervously.....
"Yippeee, You idiot, you took so much time to say this, I Love You too ,duffer", The girl replies and hugs the guy tightly.
"Thank you, I ll love you for ages to come, not even death can torn us apart", the boy says and hugs her back even more tightly.....

A month later.....


"You know you are a jerk", the girl says it aloud to him
"I know", the boy says with overflowing sarcasm
"I can't stay with a possessive fool like you"
"Not that i want to continue with a bi**h like you"

The ages and reincarnation which the boy spoke of, lasted only for a month. This kind of love can be associated with high school where love has a fickle existence.

CASE-II


The day of proposal


"I.....I....I just wanted to tell you that....I... I....love you", the boy says putting in all his heart and overcoming nervousness
"Ok, I was kinda expecting it, but do you think we will click?", the girl says with a expression of corporate czar about to sign a big business deal.
"We will give it our best shot, I just wanna stay with you, I am unable to think beyond you, I ll flunk in my exams if you say a no now", the boys says switching to desperate measures to save the deal.
"Alright, I think I like you as well, we can give it a shot", she says with an authoritative tone only comparable to the US president signing on a go ahead for a nuke deal.

One year later.......


"You don't love me anymore,all the time you speak only of Java, can't you speak love, like you used to?", the girl says with wet eyes
"Oh dear, I am so sorry, this work is getting on my nerves, but I ll surely spend more time with you hence forth", the boy says, knowing very well, how tough it would be and trying to sound as convincing as possible.

One more year later........


"I can't stay with you any more, You are not making my life easy by calling up everyday while I am at work", the boy says in a "no option left" tone.
"But you said you can't think beyond me and would not be able to stay without me" she says in a tone which will even persuade god to weep
"And you said, lets see if we click, which as I see it, we don't, so lets end it before I hurt you any further"

The case is of a college couple who are unable to continue the affair like they did in college due to the added responsibilities of life. Its not a case of fickle existence of love, but its a case of giving precedence to life than love.

CASE-III


"I hate you, I hate you" she said in a tone which only girls can describe......
 "I am sorry dear, but you know that college can be so demanding", he said, trying every possible way to convince her.
"aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" She gave out a loud screech
"Ohhh c'mon you never shout like that,what happened, Hello, Hello, Aarti you there? Hello?"


"Now that was unreasonable, she hanged up on me? and she switched her phone off? she has never done this, Only god can convince her now" Sunny thought .

Little did he know, that it was not unreasonable, it was rather unfathomable. While talking to sunny, Aarti met with an accident which left her  paralyzed. Her world became immobile and his world, was shattered to the last possible piece.

Seeing Aarti Makwana at Summers job in 2006, Sunny pawar had fallen in love with her. Things were all rosy for him as Aarti too, reciprocated the love. He never promised to love her till eternity or reincarnations, all he wanted was to love her as long as he could. One terrible day in December 2007 Aarti met with an accident which left her paralyzed on the right side . Sunny could not bring himself to continue with his education, although he never considered himself to be a true lover, he could not see someone he loved lying on bed waiting for help. He took a sabbatical from his education and started tending to Aarti along with her mother. Crying occasionally when Aarti could not recognize who he was or when Aarti was in pain, all she could do was make incomprehensible noises, he kept up his spirit and love, Spending almost 12 hours a day at her home, feeding her, singing for her and making her sleep. His effort of 2.5 years started to reap benefits. Aarti had gained 15 kgs since her accident, which was a good sign. Doctors had declared that for them to remove the clot causing the paralysis, Aarti has to start responding to commands. To everyone's surprise, she started doing so pretty soon. Seeing all this, Sunny  joined back his college to complete his education. But as they say, fate always has the last laugh,just when things started looking good, Aarti was diagnosed with pneumonia resulting in high fever, she died within 2 days of being diagnosed in June 2010 due to her already fragile condition.


When people proclaim their love for ages to come, I don't doubt their intentions, but its all about will, how many of them are willing to love for ages to come? True love is not about words, but actions and Sunny sets the example of true love. I did not write this blog to comment on his gestures, because his gestures speak for themselves, I wrote this blog for people to know the extent love can reach. And when i say love, it would include everyone you ever loved, your family, your girlfriend, your pet. He never proclaimed to stay with her till death does them apart, but it was ultimately death which had to set them apart. If this is not love, then there is no love. For many, Life is all about love, but for him , his love was his life. My condolences for Aarti and my tribute to Sunny's true love.

                                                    Love Lives on.........


PS- This story was covered by Mumbai mirror in december 2007 and june 2010(on Aarti's death). Following is the coverage by a news channel prior to Aarti's death.

Untitled Feelings....

After few good articles i think u can have a faith on me to read this article which was the first time when i thought about writing...
it was 2 days after our farewell in night...
I am not changing anything in it...just posting it as i wrote that time

"So finally days are coming soon of being apart...
Last few days graffiti day and night out after farewell party were awesome in many ways...
On graffiti day first time got a feeling of unity in our class or what we all gonna
miss...but that night out showed a flash of future life far from the friends.

Farewell party was not more than a photo shoot for all where everyone was busy in clicking pic or giving pose with their best pals...and time went away in few hours...but that night out..one of the unforgettable day of my life..and the feeling of that day still a secret for me don't know
what was that....
Feeling of being apart with friends in few days or feeling of enjoy with friends...
Feeling of an unemployed man (though we were placed in N R ) or feeling of a jealous man with his employed friends....

In these mixed feeling, those paratha were also tasting good which we would not eat even a single bite in regular days...ate like a five star hotel food....
that mountain tracking at 4 'o'clock morning is enough to tell how much crazy we were that day...
now these all days are "were"...
and hoping for some good news in future days if mr. vinod kataria will not mind ;)"

 

 

 

Flowing Free....

That's definitely not another nonsense from myside... That's how it used to be...(life...of course!)...fast and free and innocent...knowing few obstacles (and those too, all insignificant ones)...merrily laying the foundation of a fortune having its ultimate existence, only in dreams...

But since, for all of us, a time comes, when we are bound to feel our unfortunate presence into the hateful world of REALITY and we become something called pragmatic, we begin to realize things,and jump into conclusions, and then, ultimately, we write blogs but here i cant write that also so writing in my mail and saving drafts...

Life... multi-fold and somewhat multitudinous as i know it, has always amazed me...and writing came as another thing that could amaze me with same measures...I mean...its fun...isn't it?...how you can get the satisfaction of saying it all, not even bothering once about the INTERPRETATION part...(let alone LOGIC'S...)
So...I's into the field of writing all these days...and loved it...those one-liners and the magical depths up to which I could dive with their meanings...and they worked wonders to make up my always unpredictable mood...whatever be the reason pissing me off...all about my freedom of thought and about writing anything and everything...let it be something as important as my take on our own NANDU or as dumb as an intended note which used to go on and on and on for ten pages full of nonsense about how I hated that GHODA DAL I had for lunch :P :P :P
and though it may sound weird, writing sometimes gave me the feeling of selflessness...it actually did...may be because its one (and only) thing which isn't impelled by the profit motive,may be because its something which rarely promises handsome returns and yet, is satisfying,refreshing and gives immense dividends of happiness :)  

Its as if...it comes as a compensation of being humane...
and once you are into writing, you simply cant fail to notice the same wonder, the same fun in the digital avatar...and you love it all the same...the magic...of expressing into words, the turbulent,free flows of life...

Its Raining....!!!

window seat, Bangalore’s evening weather (RAINS…), and END OF the DAY…

Bliss…

Absolutely perfect for restarting a long (very long indeed) forgotten passion…


So here I go…this time, not with my mobile which is my life these days.. but with a pen and a paper (A bit of pride atleast for me and loads of cheers :-) )…


It’s raining heavily now…drenching every leaf…Beautiful…:-)

I so much love rains…n I’ve had a lot of it (in fact, enough of it) here in Bangalore…It’s like, it rains almost every evening…jumbling my mind with ideas…Ideas, which have been cluttering my mind since ages, but could never exactly come out in full zoom as it hardly rains in Hindaun now a days. Except, of course, a few downpours in July or August…as if rains also need a reservation…lolz…


So the reason why all the good and bad ideas are confronting me now is simply that: it’s raining badly n excess of anything is dangerous…rite?


Anyways…the jumbled thoughts are related to two well known ideas about rains…spread by some saint(s). One is, it rains, coz its God’s way to shower his blessing on mankind…This, I’s told by my Adarsh school teachers when I’s really small. Later on, (when I grew up a bit and) I thought about it, I found it logical also, Gods Actually shower their blessings in the form of rains as our agriculture is still so much monsoon dependent…


But then, the latest understanding of rains, (which I really doubt should be given by some saint) says: It rains so that the miserable humankind can hide its tears amidst raindrops…n really, this one also sounds somewhat logical, may not be as good (rather feel good) as the first one, but still, understandable…

And then, as I’ve said, it rains daily in Bangalore…it seems like ages since I’m witnessing this phenomenon, of daily rains, making this city watery ,reducing the visibility like anything n making me utterly confused n wondering, whether I’ll look foolish, standing all alone in rains, joining my hands in prayer to receive the blessings of dear God???... And then, I prefer an act of self denial…


And so, I’m standing beside a window of ma room, all dry, while it’s still raining heavily outside, relishing only the cool breeze…and now I’m told, a CYCLONE is going to hit south India…as if rains were not enough to create confusionz…


10 Oct. 2010 Bangalore...

I, Me with Myself...

On a beautiful star studded night, I raised my face heavenwards and closed my eyes...quite,calm,cool winds which, kind of symbolize Bangalore's awesome weather were breezing through my face making me completely lost in myself... :)


And then, as is evident, as a kind of reflex action, I started thinking...about those 3 months of slumber, about my journey from Kota to Bangalore via Delhi...about the sudden discoveries of sooo many facts about the human-cosmos that they kind-of bombarded my small confused mind...about all good and bad things Banglore has taught me in past one month...I'm suddenly finding myself wary of what was behind me and what lay ahead...The sense of revival is exciting and yet so frightening...But bravo! its still inspiring belief...One month after this much awaited journey, I'm actually finding my spirits rising again from where they had been moribound for too long, may be because of too much of homesickness...and I again find myself searching for my niche here in this all-so-strange land...


With all these good thoughts, I opened my eyes, determined to keep aside all the hate I've developed for Bangalore n South India in past one month...believing that the question of belongingness( to north/south india) will soon fade away when I'll start believing in my own adroitness of believing in all beautiful things...to wherever they belong to...


18 Oct. 2010...an evening at bangalore...